Without IVF… without the incredible, amazing embryologists who work tirelessly day and night to create our embabies when so many of us can’t and need help… my beautiful, miracle kids wouldn’t be here. One day isn’t enough to celebrate this magic. ✨
Happy #worldembryologistday & #worldivfday to all the embryologists, scientists, & doctors who make our families possible and to all the INCREDIBLE warriors who take on the absolute crippling journey of IVF. The countless needles, countless tears, immeasurable pain, financial stress, paralyzing trauma, and irreversible emotional damage doesn’t even begin to describe what it actually does to us. Infertility is the WORST club with the BEST members ♥️
Finally, HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY to the OG IVF miracle, @louisejoybrown !!!
This is the most wonderful time of the year, right? Everyone is happy, cheerful music is playing, the excitement for Christmas morning is radiating through our communities and homes… right?
Wrong.
If you struggle with infertility, this is most definitely not the most wonderful time of the year. I used to dread waking up on Christmas morning without a child to see light up while they beam at their Christmas presents. It made me sick to my stomach to see holiday-themed pregnancy announcements. Then, of course, there was the added pressure to put on a brace face for everyone else because God forbid you show how truly devastated you truly are at Christmas time.
It is okay if this Christmas is not a happy one for you. It is okay if you skip that holiday party or don’t send out Christmas cards. If you don’t have decorations up, you are not a Scrooge or Grinch. You are HEARTBROKEN and you have every right to be so. I know that most people won’t understand how you’re feeling, but I do. I see you. I feel you. I was/am you. Do what you need to do to protect your heart.
If you don’t know the pain of infertility, you can’t understand this type of heartache, but you CAN have compassion. You can have patience and love and show support for those who are not able to fully immerse themselves in the festivities. Someone who comes off as a “Grinch” on Christmas might just be fighting a devastating battle you know nothing about. They might be grieving the child they already deeply love that they expected to be here by now.
So my message to you is this:
For those of you who are lucky enough to not know this pain: Be kind. Be patient. Be compassionate. You have no idea how lucky you are to not know the heartache and trauma of infertility, especially this time of year, so please let those of us who do take the holidays as we need to. We thank you for this.
To my fellow infertility warriors: Protect your heart. Grieve how you need to. Skip the parties and don’t let ANYONE make you feel bad for doing what’s best for you. They may not understand and that’s okay. It’s also okay for you to do right by you and don’t worry about how others perceive that. And remember: I see you. I feel you. I am you.
The phrase “Rainbow Baby” is often used to refer to a child born to or adopted by parents who have suffered tremendous family-growing-related loss. To most people, when we discuss this kind of loss, the three categories that most often come to mind are miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. When someone announces that they are expecting or have welcomed a Rainbow Baby, it is generally assumed that person/couple experienced one of the three categories of loss listed above. Unfortunately, there is another category of loss that is all-too-commonly disregarded when we talk about welcoming Rainbow Babies that leave so many parents feeling as though their loss doesn’t matter or goes unrecognized: infertility.
My husband and I are IVF/EA parents to two beautiful children after a raging battle of infertility. Through our struggle, we suffered great loss. Because of this, we honor Rainbow Baby Day and accept our kids not only as Snowflake Babies (the term used to describe children adopted as embryos), but also as our Rainbow Babies.
Here’s why.
Through our IVF processes, we have transferred a total of four adopted embabies. In other words, each of our kids were transferred with twins. Our daughter’s transfer date was September 4th, 2018 and she was transferred with her fraternal twin as day 5 blastocysts. Our son’s transfer date was June 29th, 2020 and, like our daughter, he was also transferred with his fraternal twin as 5 day blastocysts.
All four of our transferred embryos were fertilized and growing right on schedule. They were all strong and healthy and had no reason not to implant other than really bad luck. These are losses. Devastating losses. My husband and I lost two precious embabies thereby making our transfers simultaneously successful and unsuccessful.
Unlike miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths, infertility is not often associated with losing a physical or potential baby. Unfortunately, the connotation associated with the word “infertile” is “no baby.” However, as evidenced by my own situation, infertility can result in the physical loss of a potential baby. We had hopes and dreams for each of the embabies we lost. We transferred each one of them in the hopes of bringing them home. We wanted to hold them as babies, watch them grow and play, love them and care for them, but we lost them. It’s also important to remember that not only did we lose our embabies, but our children also lost their twins.
In other situations, infertility loss is experienced in the form of losing embryos prior to transfer. In other words, after the egg retrieval process, the fertility team will attempt to fertilize the eggs in the hopes of creating embryos that grow into blasts (blastocysts) for transfer. In too many cases, the embryos will stop dividing and not result in blasts. These are also devastating losses. Those intended parents just lost their potential baby.
Whether it’s failure-to-implant or failure to develop into a 5DB (5 day blast), or any other situation not mentioned here but equally devastating, infertility provides ample opportunity for the physical loss of a potential baby. This is not the only physical loss caused by infertility though. In many situations, infertility can lead to devastating diagnoses that result in the loss of not only embryos, but possibly other material necessary for having a baby such as eggs, sperm, or reproductive organs. As part of our journey, my husband and I each underwent several surgical procedures, one of which officially diagnosed us with our severe, irreversible infertility by discovering we lacked the genetic material to ever be able conceive traditionally. This is a loss. A devastating, soul-crushing, blindsiding, physical loss.
Now that we’ve talked about some of the physical losses that accompany infertility, we can talk about the other kinds of losses infertility causes including mental, emotional, and loss of self.
Infertility can cause a great amount of mental and emotional distress and loss. Common diagnoses that arise because of infertility include depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, etc., all of which affect everyday life and not for the better. We have lost a piece of ourselves. A part of our souls died. When you hear the words “you can’t have children” it rocks you to your core and you’ll never be the same because you just lost the life you always thought you’d have. Then comes the overwhelming, crippling fear of never meeting the children you “can’t have”but already love more than life itself. Infertility is month after month of constant grief and mourning. We become different people because of infertility and as a result, we lose who we are and we are never the same.
The phrase “Rainbow Baby” comes from the idea that after every storm, there’s a rainbow. The rainbow symbolizes hope and good things to come after a dark time. Infertility is a storm. A dark, terrifying, traumatic storm that can only be understood through experience. Any infertility warrior who brought their baby home after their storm will tell you that their child is absolutely their rainbow. Our miracles are the rainbows after our storms. We have lost so much, grieved and mourned, fought hard and desperately begged for our storms to pass and bring us our rainbows. Let’s never forget that infertility is loss and the warriors who suffer through it deserve to have that loss recognized. Our babies are Rainbow Babies.
This year’s National Infertility Awareness Week’s theme is What I Want You To Know. I really love this theme because one of my primary reasons for being so open about our struggles is to educate people about what infertility really is/means and break toxic misconceptions and assumptions. Today I want to share a little bit about the unpredictability of infertility as a disease and infertility treatments.
The first thing I want you to know about infertility is that it does not discriminate. It does not matter how generally healthy you are or if you come from a large family without any history of the disease. Anyone can find themselves a member of this crappy club. In fact, 1 in 8 couples will. Furthermore, while infertility is often assumed to be a woman’s issue, it evenly affects both males and females. Sometimes it even affects both partners! It is an unbiased disease that can sneak up on anyone at any time.
The next thing I want you to know about infertility is that there is no “one size fits all” diagnosis or treatment. There are so many reasons a person or couple could be infertile and each situation is extremely unique. Originally, we assumed my past issues were the cause of our infertility. We fixated on this and prematurely crafted plans to address the issues. When we learned of our actual cause of our infertility, we were not only entirely blindsided and devastated, we fell into a horrible depression and found ourselves back at square one without a plan of attack.
In addition, I’d also like to point out that just because a particular plan of treatment worked for one couple, does not mean it will prove successful for the next. Even if two couples are diagnosed with similar issues, treatments can still vary greatly and come with their own unpredictable circumstances.
The unpredictability surrounding infertility treatment itself, in my opinion, is even harder to accept. In our experience, once we finally got our diagnosis, we were of course devastated and had to grieve, but we also had a small sense of relief. The question was answered. We finally had our why. We could take the next step forward into determining our method of treatment.
The first thing I want you to know about the unpredictability of infertility treatment is that no matter how hard you try, no matter how thought out your “plan” is, it will likely never happen the way you want. For example, we transferred two embryos in our first transfer and two embryos in our second transfer (4 embabies have been transferred to my body in total). Sadly, we lost two of those four embabies. Remember that story about Paris Hilton specifically seeking out IVF to “guarantee” her twins? I’d like to direct her to our story.
This leads me to my next point. The second thing I want you to know about infertility treatments, and one of the most important, is that nothing, I repeat, nothing is guaranteed. This is a HUGE misconception that needs to be corrected. While we were so sad to learn that we lost a precious embryo each time we had a transfer, we were also extremely lucky that one took each time resulting in our two beautiful, healthy children. We will never take this for granted. There are so many couples, many of our friends, whose methods of treatment were less successful than ours. In other words, their transfers, IUIs, medicated treatments did not yield healthy children. The mental, emotional, physical, and financial heartbreak this leads to is indescribable. Additionally, some couples don’t even make it to transfer/IUI day. Some may not realize this, but our original second transfer was actually “cancelled until further notice” due to the coronavirus. Not only this, but the necessary procedure I need to have a month before every transfer cycle was also cancelled (at 5:00pm on a Sunday, the night before the procedure was scheduled to happen), thereby delaying our transfer even further once our clinic did reopen. Taking that phone call sent me into a spiral. It was another excruciating reminder that we never have and never will have control over growing our family. Some couples won’t make it to their transfer/IUI days for other reasons including (but not limited to) lining issues, hormone level issues, embryo development issues, etc. These are all circumstances almost entirely out of our control that can easily derail treatment.
Needless to say, infertility and the accompanying treatments are not only entirely unpredictable, but also completely screw with the minds of anyone in the infertility club. Infertility can sneak up on anyone for any reason and each situation is unique and specific to the person/people experiencing it. Each treatment plan will be tailored to those individuals so it is important to remember that what worked for your neighbor’s cousin’s best friend’s brother will not necessarily work for everyone. The outcomes of treatment are just as unpredictable and while some may get extremely lucky with theirs, others may not so please avoid assuming that anyone going through IVF for example will be guaranteed the outcome they want (sorry, Paris, it doesn’t work like that). Nothing regarding infertility can be predicted or guaranteed, but in our experience, it was worth the shot. 😉
There was a time I used to dread the holidays. It was that same time I was living in a dark cloud of pain and trauma where I didn’t think I’d ever have a child to wake up with on Christmas morning. It made me physically sick, but I hid my pain for the sake of others. I didn’t want to be the reason anyone felt uncomfortable being happy at the “happiest time of year” when I was so utterly depressed. I wish this wasn’t the case.
It is OKAY to not be okay right now. If you are suffering from infertility, the pain of a failed transfer, loss of embryos, a miscarriage… it is okay if you are not okay. I understand that it’s hard to open up about the struggle especially when you think it might make someone else uncomfortable, but please remember that your feelings are entirely valid and I understand. I am ALWAYS here to help you through this and I want to remind you that just because it’s the holiday season, doesn’t mean you have to fake happiness.
Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to honor your emotions as they come. Some days might be better than others and on those days, let yourself experience a little joy without feeling guilty! On the hard days, acknowledge what you are feeling. You do not need to stifle anger, sadness, depression, or pain for the sake of other people. If you need a safe place to open up, I am ALWAYS here.
Infertility doesn’t stop when you get a positive pregnancy test. Neither does the anxiety, PTSD, or pain that comes with it. Triggers can and do still trigger and some days are much harder than others, especially at this time of year. I wish this wasn’t the case, but I still struggle super hard when I see pregnancy announcements from people that I know don’t understand what I’ve been through (not that I would ever wish infertility on anyone). I am still so sad to think about my two embabies that I lost and still wonder who they would’ve grown up to be. To know I will never have control over growing my own family still causes me immense stress and anger.
I am so eternally grateful to have found my way to my babies. I’m so thankful to have a beautiful, healthy daughter and to be carrying my perfect, healthy son and I would NEVER change our story. I love my perfect family and the unique bond I have with my kids because of infertility is so special and I would not trade that for ANYTHING. This, however, does not change the fact we are still infertile and still experience the difficult, complicated, painful emotions that come with that. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you cannot understand this unless you go through it. It is so complex, exhausting, and all-around draining. The juxtaposition of eternal gratefulness and such crippling anxiety is so overwhelming sometimes so I really just wanted to remind everyone that infertility doesn’t just “stop.” We have our babies (or will come March), but we will always live in the complicated world of infertility.
We get this a lot. When people see our daughter, the first thing they notice is her full head of perfect curls. They’re absolutely beautiful and literally perfect. Their reaction is usually, “Wow! Her curls are perfect! Where does she get them!?”
Some days I handle this question better than others. As most of you know by now, Maerynne does not share our DNA so the honest answer to this question is, “we don’t know.” Usually this is our response and sometimes people will leave it at that, but sometimes, they press it. “Oh well does Grandma have curly hair??” “No.” “What about Grandpa??” “Nope.”
If I’m in a particularly good mood and feeling strong (and talkative), I will use this as an opportunity to educate that person on how families come in all shapes, sizes, and from all over the place. I explain our story, which I am SO proud of, and they usually take an interest and want to learn more which is okay. Other times, I don’t want to get into the whole story, which is my choice, but I just wish they’d stop asking.
The moral of this story: it is not necessary to comment on a child’s appearance all the time. It is not necessary to highlight when a child does not look like their parents. Maybe there is a reason for that. Furthermore, by consistently commenting on a child’s appearance, whether it’s to say something complimentary or otherwise, it indirectly places more value on physical, uncontrollable traits rather than what’s truly important: their happiness.
We know our daughter is beautiful. She’s absolutely perfect in every way and her hair is truly amazing! We are truly okay with the fact that she doesn’t share our DNA as blood does not make a family. Only love can do that and our daughter (and our unborn son) are loved so fiercely. Sometimes, though, constantly being reminded that my child doesn’t look like me is frustrating and people pressing for further information after we give a response to their question is inappropriate. Let’s try to focus on what’s actually important; what matters. A child’s happiness.
As anyone going through it can tell you, infertility completely takes over your life. Once it hits, you seem to have more bad days than good. There are some days, however, that go beyond a typical “bad day” and can render you completely incapacitated. One of those days… Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day was the worst day of the year for me and I’m sure for anyone else who knows infertility. Seeing all the happy families celebrating, moms holding and kissing their babies… wanting so desperately to have that moment but not knowing if that’s in the cards for you – it used to make me throw up. For anyone who is feeling these emotions right now, I have two things to say about this.
1. There is ALWAYS a way to grow your family.
Growing your family may look different for you than it does for your best friend. It may look different than the original plan you had in mind. This does not mean that it’s wrong or not beautiful though. I never, ever imagined that growing my family would mean adopting embryos! As a matter of fact, before infertility, I didn’t even know this was a thing. I wouldn’t trade it for anything though. Our journey to parenthood is unique, beautiful, and so full of love and devotion to our children (yes, plural, including the ones not in our arms yet). So if you’re wondering if you’ll ever get that perfect mother/child picture – the answer is YES. If you know that parenthood is a ‘hood you want to be in, then that picture is in your future. One of the most important things I’ve learned through parenthood after infertility is that it does not, I repeat, it DOES NOT matter where your child comes from as long as you love them.
2. You became a mom a long time ago.
I’ve said this before and I will continue to say it: you become a mother the day you decide you’ll do anything for your children. For some women, this is actually the day their children are born. For me, this was the day we learned what we’d have to do to bring our baby home; the day I accepted the horrible battle of infertility. While you may be waiting to physically hold your child, the day you decided that nothing would stop you from bringing your baby home, the day you realized your love for your child far outweighs the pain and trauma of what you’re going through – that was the day you became a mom and to you I say HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! While I know this day probably isn’t a happy one for you, I want you to know that you are recognized as a mother and I hope this brings you peace.
So this Mother’s Day, if you’re feeling powerfully strong, negative emotions, that is okay. Recognize those emotions and accept them, but also remember, YOU ARE A MOTHER and you deserve to feel peace today, too. I see you, Mama, and I wish you a peaceful Mother’s Day.
I just can’t help but think about all the tears we cried out of fear and heartbreak of never having this moment. As our baby is sound asleep in her crib, we are sitting by our Christmas tree so grateful for what we have and anticipating the excitement to come for her first Christmas tomorrow morning. Getting to this point was so difficult and nothing short of a miracle.
To all our friends who are in the position we know too well – we see you and understand you. Don’t ever give up on your dream of bringing home your baby because I swear no matter how impossible it may seem, you can find your way to your baby, even if it’s not the path you imagined.
I’ve mentioned in previous posts that infertility completely robs you of happiness. For me, and I’m sure this goes for many infertility warriors, the absolute worst time was the holiday season. I wasn’t just my “regular” depressed during this time of the year; I was lower than I even knew was possible. All I wanted was to have a child whose face I could watch light up on Christmas morning when they ran down the stairs to see their presents. I wanted to finally read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas to my baby on Christmas Eve like my mother read to me. The fear of never having these moments was crippling and made the holidays so utterly miserable.
Here are some tips that helped me get through the holiday season while going through infertility:
Stay home.
You have every right to stay home during the holidays. If you are more comfortable in your own house where you can acknowledge your feelings in private, that is perfectly okay. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty for not attending a gathering. Self care is healthy, manipulation is not.
If you feel you can’t get out of a gathering, excuse yourself periodically.
It is OKAY to take a few minutes for yourself. Before I opened up about my struggles, I would often concoct an excuse to get me out of a room if I needed a break. Excuses I used that worked for me were, “I need to make a call, I’ll be right back,” and, “I’m not feeling well, I’ll be right back.” These don’t invite a lot of questions and you can take as much time as you need.
Trust and rely on your partner.
Your partner is probably feeling the same things you are. Confide in them. Talk to them about your fears and anxieties. Be completely honest with them and let them help you. My husband was my rock through our infertility journey and I wouldn’t have made it through the holidays without him.
Stay away from social media.
I would often take extended leaves from social media. It was just too painful for me to see holiday posts of other people’s children – particularly when the posters were my age. I was, of course, so happy that my friends were enjoying their holiday seasons with their beautiful children, but I had to protect my own heart. I signed out of all my social media for months at a time. It was quite liberating.
Here’s a tricky one: what do you do when you’re asked those questions that kill you inside?
For some reason, the holidays really make people want to ask those inappropriate questions to their child-bearing aged relatives. When you’re asked about your family building plans, there are a couple things you can do.
1. If you haven’t gone public with your struggle, you can simply say, “I don’t mean to be rude, but this is very personal and I would prefer not to talk about it.”
Now there’s a chance the person asking will continue to pry. In this case, you can and should just walk away and find someone else to talk to, or reiterate your disinterest in engaging in that conversation. You have the power to leave a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Don’t ever forget that.
2. If you are open about your situation, use this as a teachable moment.
Because I have been so open about our struggle, whenever someone would ask this question, holiday season or not, I would use that moment to educate that person on how inappropriate those questions are and how they can be incredibly harmful and triggering to a person suffering. Since opening up about our infertility, we are very rarely asked these questions anymore.
It’s important to remember that you are allowed to be sad. You don’t need to fight your natural emotions just because it’s Christmas. The good news is that even in the midst of this heartache, there will be moments during the holidays that you’ll find yourself smiling and that’s okay, too! Let yourself be happy in that happy moment! Enjoy it, savor it, love it. You can and probably will feel two things at once. Enjoy the happy moments with your loved ones and acknowledge how you’re feeling. You will get through these seasons: holiday and infertility.
The Infertile Journal 